My Musings

I don’t recall many epiphanies while watching this 2009 romantic comedy, it merely spit out one tired cliche after another concerning relationships. Yet, this weekend a friend made me realize that there really is an ugly truth in the murky swamp that is “boy meets girl.”

Men and women both, are a cesspool of insecurities! When God is not at the center of all interactions between men and women we can bet on an incoming “hot mess.” As a man who grew up around women (single mom and sister) I pride myself as being in-tune with the female psyche much more than the general male population, but as my friend sat there telling me the secret about making a deep and lasting connection with women I was stricken in awe! It really showed me the intrinsic difference between men and women. Without further ado, the ‘secret’:

“We pretty much always feel guilty or ashamed about something, so if there’s any way for you to take that away or at the very least not add to it, that’s huge.

The kind of guy that gets bragged on is the one who makes us feel really good about ourselves and our choices.

The secret is that we all have guilt/shame issues, and we go to men looking for a way out of them, hoping we’ll find someone who’ll love us free, who’ll redeem us. We want a man who will point us to Jesus because he’s the one we really need, but we usually find instead one of two guys:

1. The dude who doesn’t notice us at all and leaves us feeling ashamed of ourselves because we’re apparently not worth noticing.
2. The dude who jumps into our pants the first chance he gets and leaves us feeling guilty and ashamed because we’re apparently only worth the physical.

And I’m not saying you’re one of these because I don’t know, but lots of these dudes are Christians, and neither of those ways of doing things are very loving or any kind of way to treat a sister in Christ.

So if there’s anything more you can do to put your Christian brother hat on and make a woman feel unashamed of her choice to spend time with you, that’s good.”

I am not sure if any man anywhere has thought women walk around with that burden. No wonder they are so insecure about themselves! That right there is what we call a vicious circle; one man ignores a woman and she thinks she isn’t desirable so the very next man who shows any interest is instantly invited into her pants! This of course leads to possibly years of pain and distrust in men, which ultimately leads to the sabotage of future relationships that may very well have worked out fine.

Do you know the most sobering part of that ‘secret’? I have been both of those dudes! That is the ugly truth! Every man who has ever walked the face of this earth has ignored a perfectly beautiful, God-fearing, intelligent, interesting woman. We have also preyed on the insecurities of that behavior to obtain physical aspects of relationships we weren’t entitled to enjoy.

I am not even talking about sex. How many men have gotten to caress or kiss a woman we didn’t want a relationship with because she was feeling ugly at that moment? How many men have provoked lascivious behavior out of sheer desperation and loneliness?

I need my God-fearing women to understand something, men sometimes seize these opportunities knowing that you are feeling that way, but most of the time men think you genuinely are ready for this level of physicality. We forget that women need to get over their daddy issues, their ex boyfriend and all the insecurities they left behind, before they can be in a healthy sexual, emotional, and spiritual relationship with us. Men have insecurities and issues but as a general rule we are in the ‘now’ and ready to move forward. We don’t walk around with that guilt and shame…this doesn’t mean it isn’t there or that we don’t think about it, but rather our decision making process isn’t as heavily influenced by it.

Men, I beg you to be stronger than the gravitational pull of your penis. I beg that you take advantage of the time a woman needs to sort her issues. Learn to appreciate the small intricate beauties of this Godly woman you have in your life. Look beyond the things she does wrong (judging and pointing out her flaws will only deflate her and your possibility of a relationship). Uplift her for all of her outstanding qualities. I make this error a lot, women share their vulnerabilities and weak moments with me and I quickly point out how they should have handled it. Instead we should quickly remind them of the redeeming power of Christ’s sacrifice! Appreciate that they can confide in us and love them all the more because they have experienced pains many of us cannot fathom and yet they are still so full of love and beauty.

The Ugly Truth about men and women is that men don’t take up the role of Priest and King in their relationships. We don’t point women to the only person who can liberate them from their shame and guilt, Jesus Christ. Instead, we point them into our arms, we promise not to judge them, we create a system of dependency that only further perpetuates the pain and guilt when we whimsically decide to leave their life.

Point women to Jesus and the course of a relationship will be set towards heavenly bliss, together or not.